After Infidelity – What Do You Do Now
You just found out that your spouse is cheating. What do you do after infidelity is brought to the forefront of your relationship? Do you forgive and forget or do you kick them to the curb so fast their head spins. Frankly, if it were me, I would pick the latter.
I do not abide being made a fool of so they would be gone so fast they would not know what hit them. But then what? Where would you be then? All alone with no one to talk to? If you were really in love then I guess the hurt would be completely devastating and it would take a lot of time to get over. Life could be pretty tough after infidelity.
When you make the decision to kick them to the curb you automatically take control from them and insert yourself back into your life. No more passivity, no more dependence on them for your happiness. Tell them it is over and absolutely refuse to have any contact with them whatsoever. They are no longer worth your time. Tell them if they want to contact you they should talk to your lawyer.
Let the anger you feel be your guide, for now. Do not let it consume you because it will literally eat you up inside and you will not be good to anyone, especially yourself. So, use the anger effectively to get through the divorce and then learn to let it go. See someone to help if you need to but find a way to let it go.
One good way to vent your anger and other feelings is to start a daily journal. This is a way to track how you are dealing with the infidelity. You could even write a letter to your ex and vent all you like. This can be very healing and cleansing. After you write it then just sign it, seal it, and put it away. It is there for you only, they won’t care what you have to say to them. They made their choice, let them live with it.
You may begin to feel some depression over the loss of the relationship and this is completely normal. If it doesn’t start to subside in relatively short order then see your doctor or find a counselor to talk things out with. There are medications you can take short term to help with situational depression and help you cope. Don’t be afraid to take these medications they can help and do help thousands of people deal with depression. You can take them until you start to feel better then wean yourself off (with the advice and direction of your doctor that is).
Eventually you will get to a good place both in your head and in your life where you can be happy and start looking for another relationship. This will take some time though so do not rush things. Stay connected to your feelings by continuing to write in your journal every night before you go to bed. Occasionally read back when you first started the journal and see how you have changed and grown. You should see a natural progression of feelings and coping mechanisms that get you to where you are now after infidelity.
After Adultery – Saving a Relationship Is Hard Work
Putting a relationship back together after adultery may not be impossible, but it will be very, very difficult. In order for the two of you to fix your broken relationship, you will both need to be willing to do whatever is needed and commit to the relationship fully. There can be no half hearted attempts or it simply won’t work.
Many couples will make their first step to seek the help of a therapist which may be a great idea. The truth is that the two of you are in an emotionally heightened state and may not be able to keep your calm during the process. Having an objective third party who can moderate the process might really help the two of you make some headway.
If one or both of you are determined to do it on your own, than you can, but it may be more difficult and even more painful.
It’s important for both of you to understand that there is no excuse for infidelity, but nothing happens in a vacuum either. While you don’t need to, nor should you, condone cheating it is often the sign of other problems in the relationship. Facing up to those problems and finding constructive solutions to them may be the answer to moving on after adultery.
As a matter of fact, dealing with these underlying issues may be a way to make your relationship better than it has been in a long time or maybe even better than it has ever been. You just have to get over this hurdle, and it is a big one.
Of course if the one who committed the adultery is a chronic cheater and this is a long standing pattern of behavior rather than a one time moment of weakness, the odds of ever having an adult, respectful relationship with them are slim to none.
I am not trying to be harsh, but facts are facts. If the person you are in a relationship with has shown through their actions that they are so flawed and lacking honesty or integrity that they habitually cheat on whoever they are with do not think that they are just going to turn over a new leaf and be the person you want them to be… they won’t.
If you are in a relationship with this type of person you really would be wise to cut your losses and move on before they cause you anymore pain. Someone who is so fundamentally flawed can never be a worthy partner and you deserve better, everyone does.
If you decide that you simply can not forgive your partner, or they cannot forgive you, then you will have no choice but to move on. Be willing to give it time and if it was you that did the cheating, make some much needed changes.
Moving on after adultery whether you decide to try to work on your relationship or just call it quits and move on, will be a process. It is not going to happen quickly and it will not happen with out some pain, but it can happen. Just keep your dignity intact and be prepared for the battle of your life.
Advice From A Divorce Attorney?
I believe that divorce is one of the biggest epidemics in our current society that isn’t being recognized or treated as such. As a marriage and family therapist, of course divorce is something that I am passionate about because it is something that I am spending my life to fight against. I am not ignorant enough to believe that I will see all cases of divorce end during my lifetime, nor am I ignorant enough to believe that all divorce cases even should be prevented. I am, however, perhaps ignorant in my belief that it is crazy for people considering divorce to get advice from a divorce attorney.
Now, most of you are thinking I’m crazy. Who would go to a divorce attorney for advice about their failing marraige? Many people, unfortunately. I had no idea until I began working with marriages and families in crisis just how many individuals and even couples were seeking refuge and advice with their divorce attorney.
I was overwhelmed by my new knowledge for one primary reason. Have people considering getting a divorce forgotten that a divorce attorney is the very last person who will be concerned with them repairing a broken marriage? A divorce attorney makes a living helping married people get divorced while getting as many benefits from the divorce as possible. So why would any nearly-divorced person go to a divorce attorney in hopes of fixing their marraige? Beats me.
My advice to anyone struggling in their marriage is to make an appointment to visit a professional counselor or a marriage and family therapist. The core reason why I suggest this is because in general, counselors and therapists are people who deeply want to see marriages and families restored rather than torn apart. If I am looking for someone to help me fix my car, then it is far wiser to get help from an individual who actually believes that cars can be fixed, right? Of course. The same is true with marriage. Do not go for help to someone who believes that marriages should end easily and for any reason at all. Go instead to a professional who is trained in giving you wisdom about ways to make your relationship work.
A divorce attorney is great for people who are sure that divorce is the option they are choosing. If, however, you are still unsure of your options and if you are still hoping for healing in your marriage, then a divorce attorney is the last person you should see.
Advice For Dating Older Men What You Need To Know
Dating an older man can make you feel beautiful, protected and young. Those are just a few of the advantages of dating and older guy but there are also some aspects that you need to be aware of. Take a look at this advice for dating older men.
1) Old dogs don’t learn new tricks. There’s a big difference between meeting a younger person who is your own age and dating someone who has already formed many of his attitudes, personality and beliefs about certain things. He probably knows what he likes and doesn’t like and could be pretty inflexible when it comes to trying to change these perceptions. This is important to keep in mind because you’ll need to accept and like him as he is or move on to someone who is more compatible. Don’t expect him to change.
2) You may play second best to his children. Even if your older guy only has his children on certain weekends, realize that he will dedicate his time to them. Also, there may come a time when you are expected to be involved in their lives as well so this is an important point of advice for dating older men that you need to reflect upon. The children may see you in a positive light or they may reject you. Be prepared for whatever they feel and how it will affect your relationship. Also, it is very possible that your older man will not want any more children. If you do want kids, this is definitely an issue.
3). He’s no spring chicken. The energy level of your older man may not match yours. He may need to come home earlier from the night life and get more sleep than you. Also, many older men often have special dietary requirements, can’t go out drinking like they used to, have aches and pains, snore louder, get aching joints, or have to carry medication around with them. These may be things that you personally don’t have to worry about for a while but they should become your concerns now too.
4) The generation gap. You know how certain things your mom and dad say sort of make you cringe or you just don’t even get them? Well, the same thing will probably happen with the older man you are dating. He won’t understand all of your references and you won’t understand his. This doesn’t have to be a big deal and in fact, it could be fun!
5) Men peak sexually between the ages of 18 and 25, and women between 25 and 40. But older men also have a lot more experience in satisfying women so what you lose in quantity, you could very well gain back in quality.
Spontaneity may not be an option. Before your older man can just pick up and leave, he’ll probably need permission from his children’s mom, his boss and maybe even his doctor, among others.
Take the above advice for dating older men and make it work for you.
Advice For Average Guys Dating Beautiful Women
Have you asked a beautiful woman out on a date and are still in shock that she accepted? Men often put beautiful women on a pedestal which can make it a challenge for an ‘average’ guy to date one.
Dating beautiful women can really boost the ego of a man. He will be beaming with pride when he walks down the street with this beautiful woman by his side. Not only does he get an ego boost but he will also look pretty impressive to other guys. Dating a beautiful woman will also make the guy more desirable to other women.
An attractive woman can probably date any man she likes, even rich, powerful men. Because they are so appealing to men for their beauty they often develop some back habits that may make them less desirable as a long term partner. Many beautiful women are vain, manipulative and high maintenance.
If you aren’t very wealthy and you are fairly average looking then it can be very challenging to date a beautiful woman. Here is some advice for dating beautiful women.
1. Stand out from the crowd. Beautiful women have men fawning over them all the time and they probably all look the same to her, so to get her attention you need to be different from the rest.
2. Don’t treat her like a goddess – every other man is doing this so this is just average to her. You can differentiate yourself by not treating her like she is a goddess but act indifferently to her as though you aren’t even attracted to her looks. It is the guys that appear not to be interested that she will want – this goes along the lines of people always wanting what they can’t have. By ignoring her you are giving her a challenge that she will respond to.
3. Pay more attention to her ‘plain Jane’ friend. A beautiful woman won’t understand why you would prefer her plain friend over her and she will get quite jealous. She won’t want her friend getting all the attention and she will begin to flirt with you to win over your attention.
4. Instead of giving her compliments, tease her. Most other men will shower her with compliments, which she probably expects and is probably quite mundane to her now. If you light-heartedly tease her about any flaws then this is a different approach from what she is use to and she will respond well to that.
5. Don’t just look at her outer beauty but also focus on her inner beauty. Don’t spend all night staring at her like she is a goddess but instead show that you are interested in her as a person. Ask her questions about her life, her interests and hobbies. She will respond well to a man that she knows is interested in her as a person and not just for her beauty.
6. Don’t call her too soon. Most men will probably call her the next day and she may even expect that. Wait a couple of days before calling her and she will respect you for it because you have impressed her so far with the above tips and now you are showing her even more that you are not desperate and just after her for her beauty.
7. Don’t try to get her into bed on the first date. Of course you are sexually attracted to her and most likely all men she dates try to get her into bed straight away. By playing a little hard to get will spike her interest in you and also reinforce the fact that you like her as a person and not just a sex object.
You should remember that beauty is only skin deep and although it is great to date beautiful women, ultimately you also want a woman who is beautiful on the inside too. Take the time to get to know this woman and you may have found yourself a beautiful woman inside and out.
